Tuesday, July 19, 2011

No! I Wasn't Ready for This!


That's my meld score. My transplant coordinator told me and my husband in early July, as my release from the hospital for hernia surgery was being coordinated. (It was repeat surgery to try to fix the incisional hernia that developed during my original transplant: The surgery didn't work then and doesn't seem to have worked this time, either. But that's another story.)

We had my surgeon do a liver biopsy while he was in the neighborhood, so to speak, and the lab review showed that my transplanted liver is cirrhotic. So my coordinator did some math and I'm a nine.

I've spent the past month trying to find a graceful way to share this news and I'm still struggling. The hardest part - and oh, my God it was so hard - was telling my kids. They are older teens, but they still need a Mom. It's almost certain that I won't be around long enough to see them graduate from college, or marry or have granchildren. That's just not fair.

There's also so much I want to do with my wonderful husband.

I'd handle this better if I could reach a point where I'd focus on the many tasks that need to be tackled, like a will and organizing papers. However, the past five weeks have been spend recouperating. Beyond that, I still can't talk about it without crying.

What about clinical trials? Those new Hep C meds? A second liver transplant? All very unlikely for many reasons, which I'll explain in future posts.

Please excuse the pity party. I'll find helpful info to share soon. I wish every person reading this blog good luck because there's a lot of it to be found.

Photo by Alaina Cherup